Damn Men
by The Robin
Summary: Scar tissue runs deep for many mutants...
1. Default Chapter

Rogue pinched the sagging fingertips of her leather gloves. She had found them at the thrift store, too much of a bargain to pass up. Though they reached all the way to her elbows, only the palms were actually padded, and they were also slightly too large. She sighed, her breath fogging the air and chilling her nose. What she really wanted to do right now was sneak back up to her room and feign sleep. She snorted in disgust with herself. Liar, you haven't slept a night in ages. True. Too true. Her nightmares were vivid enough to send her screaming into consciousness, she managed to elude the victims she had absorbed in her past during daylight hours easily enough. But at night, her mind was defensless, she could not block them out. Thinking about it, reminded her of the headache pounding at her temples. Her gloved fingertips massaged her head, little help that it did, it gave her an excuse to fidget. The wind whipped through air, managing to find the gaps in her coat and chill her. Rogue glared upwards, at the courtyard fountain, the moonlight glinted off the water running overstone. The sharp angles of the reflected light did not help her migraine. She pulled the glove from her left hand, rummaging in the pocket of her coat for the little orange vial of pills. She didn't bother checking the label, she knew what they were, seeing as she had been taking them for a few weeks now, in small doses at first, then intensifying gradually. Rogue somehow felt that by taking the pills she was strengthening herself. Somehow putting this shield between herself the rest of the world. Her state of mind was, if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. Rogue did not hurt herself. She built up her defenses. The same could be said about the crisscrossing red lines on the back of her wrist. She peered at these now, which only appeared as dark ridges of black in the moonlight. It was strange that she thought momentarily, Oh, that's pretty. "Young belles shouldn't be out late, mon chere." Rogue spun around at the voice. Of course, she recognized him, even in the dark she could see his demon eyes glowing. The moonlight set everything as silver, as though frost had come through and coated the courtyard. She would have admired the affect it had on his hair, if she wasn't so startled at his near silent approach. "Don't ya know it aint a good idea to sneak up on people?" He came to stop beside her, holding out a slim cigarette. She shook her head. He shrugged, placing it to his lips but he did not light it. "Shame t' Remy, forgetting that to smoke you need a heat source....Rogue would no' have a heat source, would she?" He smiled rakishly and she was glad she did not feel herself blush. "If yah mean a lighter, no, I don't." She did not mention the innuendo cleverly placed by the Cajun. He could fret to himself about it all he wanted, she chose to ignore it. "Lovely night, is i' noh?" "No." She began to turn on her heels and walk away, back towards the mansion entrance, it appeared she would have to hock her pills somewhere else. The only problem with this movement would be Remy's hand grasping her upper arm tightly, refusing to let her leave. "Why is at' that chere don't like Remy?" Rogue could clearly see there was no laughing in Remy's face now, his eyes were still that red glow and now it did more to chill her spine than ever. She dug her heels into the grass and kept up the pulling momentum, but his words did give her pause. Why did she dislike him? She had to admit that any woman with her own mind would get fed up with his constant assuredness and confidence and cocky manner. Waltzing around like he was God's gift to women, it made her sick. But that was not all, maybe it was how he kept referring to himself in third person. "What 'as she got against him, eh?" Or..maybe it was how close he stood to her. She felt his hand creeping up her elbow to her shoulder and immediately wanted to shove a knee right up- "I just don't like you! " Was her clever and witty reply. Point. Oy vay. "Maybe she is scared of 'im?" Her face whipped up so sharply that many of the bones in her neck made strange cracking noises. Ok, now she was angry. Rogue was no longer trying to pull away from Remy. "Afraid?" He nodded."Of you,"he nodded again, smiling. "What should I be afraid of?" He moved the hand on her shoulder back inside his jacket, procuring a playing card, king of hearts. "Nothin, only Remy wonders if she prefers bein' the ice princess, out here in the cold. "His hot breath touched her cheeks and she finally discovered exactly how close to her he had moved. "You're lips are turning blue..mon chere..."he touched the squared edge of the playing card against her throat, sliding it across her collarbone and by the warmth of it, he had charged the card only slightly. Not enough to cause damage but only to envoke threat. She snapped to her senses, realizing he had been pulling the empathy trick on her like he did so often to other girls. That made her angry...but not as she had been before, for some reason she felt a fluttering in her throat. Don't try it, girl! She warned herself mentally and even began to pull away from Remy but his grip was very hard and also very warm. "Will de ice princess object to some winter fire?"He barely whispered it, he was so close now, he could have kissed her had he exerted the force. Something else happened instead that brough them both to their senses. Rogue felt a sharp burning sensation against her collar bone and realized the card was hot enough to singe her hair now and was scorching her skin. "Ouch!" She jumped back the same time Remy did, cupping her hand across her right shoulder. He did not apologize. They just stared muzzily at each other, breathing deeply in the cold air. "Can he see dat?"It took her a moment to realize he was talking about himself, she shook her head sharply. "N-No! Um, no, I have to go...I have to..yeah.."Rogue, still clutching her injured skin turned abruptly, marching back inside the mansion and leaving Remy to deal with the cold.  
Back inside her room, Rogue finally calmed down enough to take a good look at the burn mark. She did not turn any lights on, so as not to disturb Kitty or Jubilee, who were sleeping peacefully. Rogue envied them deeply for their sweet dreams and thoughtless murmurs, but she buried this quickly. She had other problems than insomnia at the moment. The light filtering through the window panes allowed Rogue to see that the card had actually burned the design of the card into her skin. The tiny heart in the corner was set at an angle, as it had been when it touched her. She could just see the top of the little kings head there also, but that was all, the other half of the card had been bent into Remy's hand. Rogue worried her lower lip with her teeth. Damn, damn, damn! Why didn't people just leave her alone? Didn't the idiot know she was dangerous. Suddenly Rogue was aware that there was one emotion absent from her usual after-effects of contact with another human beng. Guilt. For once it had been her who got burned, not the other way around. She marveled at how strange this made her feel. Not invulnerable but...definitely relieved. That was why when she glimpsed the card brand in the mirror, she gave a tiny smile. But the smile went hard as she thought further about this night. "Ah still hate him though. Damn men." 


	2. Scar Tissue

Kitty raised her eyebrows slightly in suprise, watching as Rogue fit a long scarve around her neck. Everyone knew about Rogue's particular power problem, and she dressed appropriately considering the hazards if she did not. But usually she left open her neckline considerably. That girls boobs were the thing that made up for everything else she lacked in character enrichment. " You got a hickie?" Ok, so Kitty wasn't exactly sharp as a tack when it came to these kind of things. Rogue rolled her eyes. " Kitty, tell me exactly how ah would go about gettin' a hickie." Kitty laughed, throwing her mane of hair back over her shoulder. " Well that's easy! The guy just sucks on your neck!" Rogue stood where she was for several moments, tyring to let the girl come to the realization herself. Kitty's blank smile was replaced by blank open mouthed O of understanding. " Ohhh." " Yeah." Kitty chewed on her lower lip as she left the room, apparently still trying to figure out the situation. Rogue was glad the girl had not seen the burn across her chest. That would lead to awkward questions.  
  
Rogue seized a large comb from the dresser, running it through her hair, her thoughts flip flopping around in her head like fish gasping for air on dry land. The rest of the day it was like that, she simply could not concentrate. The fact that she had gotten little to no rest last night played an active role in this also, she kept yawning loudly until other students in her classes shot dark looks at her (it is a well known fact that yawns are contagious). Finally, the day was close to being over and it was free time. Yippee, Rogue thought, another mind-numbing afternoon with me, myself, and- "Mind if Remy joins you?" Oh shit. "Whatever." She bit her tongue as the cajun fell into step beside her, she should have said no! "I love de afternoons in de fall." Remy brushed a few long locks of hair back over his head and Rogue's eyes were drawn to the sun hitting them and lighting up the shiny texture. She closed her eyes and immediately tripped over a tree root overgrowing the sidewalk. "You not a very careful fille?" She glared at him from down on the ground. He offered his hand, but she ignored it, regaining her feet and brushing off her jacket. They began walking again, this time in silence. "It funny." She listened, thinking he was going to finish his short and grammatically incorrect sentence. He didn't. Rogue was not one for patience. "What?" Remy did not smile, as she was so accustomed to seeing him do. For some reason, this stopped her berrating mental comments and she listened for what he was going to say. "You are not like the other femmes, they are all soft and warm on de inside and likewise on de out. But you....you are de ice queen on the inside and frosty exterior out. " Rogue gazed wistfully at the tree branches swaying across the street, she sort of wished she could crawl unto one and hang herself. "Ice through an' through,"was all she muttered. "Remy hopes not." This stopped Rogue in her tracks completely. "Excuse me?" For once, he was looking a bit ashamed and shy which was more intruiging at the moment than what he was saying to her. "Rather, he want to say....he don't think so."Remy leaned back against a wrought iron fence, resting his eyes on anything other than Rogue. "He think something bad happen to fille that make her trust nobody." He took a deep breath, then plunged deeper into the tidal wave. " Just cause she can't touch nobody...that don't mean that's all there is to her." A silence settled over the two after his brief monologue. Rogue tried to think of some scathing thing to say him, tell him to mind his own business or run back to the brother hood...something! But all of her vitriol was dissolving in the face of this true thing he was stating, that he knew. How could he know? She felt her mouth opening and closing, like the dieing fish in her mind gasping for breath. What could she say..how could she....she couldn't. No. No....No.. "No! NO!" Remy stood straight and grasped her by the shoulders, making a soothing noise in his throat but Rogue could not be calmed or soothed. "You think you can- this isn't...I didn't!! I just....I can't..." She broke off, horrified as she felt a wet trail slide down the inside of her cheek. Confused and worried and everything she could possibly be in a moment that was imperfect and unscheduled, she touched the tear and felt her defenses crumbling down. She closed her eyes, the lids forming a dark mosaic of red and orange that burned as the tears squeezed out. Rogue felt the pulling of Remy's hands on her arms, though it seemed so far away. He was calling her.  
  
"Rogue...please..." Her eyes opened and she saw the rush of color swim into her vision, Remy's demon eyes were pleading with her. She couldn't help but say it aloud, "I can't." He only nodded. He knew. "Now is not de time." Rogue felt her weak but solitary defense slide back into place, she was once again aware of his hands on her arms. She stepped out of his grasp, not rudely but as half habit and half protection. He released her without a struggle, but simply gestured with his hand toward the sidewalk trail that ended, where a dirt path began. " We talk later, how bout walk now?"  
Rogue was not sure what was happening. He was purposefully leading her away from the painful conversation about her past. This worried and interested her. Many years ago her mother had taken her to a psycologist who specialized in children. Rogue could barely remember the man, knowing only that she felt he had been digging for something. He wanted something from me so bad, I could see it in his eyes and his voice sounded metallic and sharp to me. I was afraid he could cut me in half just by speaking. He too had tried to delve into my deep past, tried to procure my problem. But he had screamed at me and pushed me so hard.... Remy's not pushing. He didn't even ask really...  
Rogue brushed the tears from her face angrily, her facade fell into place again along with the usual thoughts, though now there was an underlying feeling there too. Like having a split personality. Why are you even talking to him? What the hell do you think you're doing! You could get hurt. Rogue thought about this, it was true, she could get hurt. If she let someone in....  
As Remy turned and smiled over his shoulder at her, a soft smile of welcome, she sighed deeply. "Scar tissue runs deep." She muttered, too soft for Remy to hear, or so she thought, for he answered quietly to himself, " But love runs deeper."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thankyou to everyone who reviewed, I know this is getting deep and psycological and all that...I didnt want to put just physical stuff in here because it doesn't always make for such a good read. Enjoy, and to my friends - Ardelio lives! 


	3. Immortality

Rogue closed her eyes, breathing in deeply. In and out....in and out... "Mutants aren't immortal." Her lips tightened around the cigarette dangling from her mouth, she removed it after a deep inhale and let the stream of smoke exit her like a spirit. Her words were spoken to no one else, she didn't need to talk to anyone else. She couldn't tell other's her thoughts, so she told herself, as a reminder. But some things she wanted to forget. She never spoke of them. "Teenagers are, though only in their heads." Behind her closed eyes, she imagined the blue shadows dancing feebly across the wall. A window pane enlarged grotesquely across the floor, the silhouette like a nightmare. A sound like the wailing of a dying animal coming from outside. In the woods. From the woods. She shivered, opening her eyes to erase the picture her mind had produced from some deep corner she hid far away. Her cigarette died and she let it, not bothering to punch it out in the ashtray beside her. The feeling of stress as her lungs contracted and pulsed with breath was soothing yet torturous. A thousand different minds, a thousand different thoughts, all of them bore down upon her in this starless night, in her lonely fatigue and insomnia. No one else could get the pain. The anxiety. She didn't really know how to deal with it, except to numb it. Her fingers brushed the soft carpet, scrabbling across the floor to touch the orange pill bottle. As her index finger felt the plastic, her heart raced and jumped into her throat. In her ears she could hear that high wailing, unearthly and not right. A white shape flitted among the trees like a ghost, not nearly as graceful or haunting.  
Rogue snapped her hand back, closing her arms about herself. The flashback was harsh....it shouldn't have come...she buried it so deep...why was this happening...  
She bit into her palm, trying to silence the sobs that threatened to tear her apart. Inside and out, she wrenched herself free of memories. Memory was only pain. 


	4. Invitation

"You like to party?" It didn't register in Rogue's head immediately that someone was talking to her, which was why she paused before closing the door of her locker to see who was standing behind it. A girl with a fiendish smile, short purple hair, and a decent figure was the speaker. "What?"  
  
"Do you like to party? You know, have fun?" Rogue blinked, trying to clear her fuzzy and sleep deprived head. Who was this talking to her? "Uh, sure, I guess."  
  
"You wanna come to a party I'm hostin?" The girl clicked her tongue impatiently, which Rogue found annoying but did not react to. She was still trying to sort out the fact she had been invited to a party.  
Most of the people in Bayville High ignored Rogue, even the localized goths and death heads. She'd figured it had been because of her affiliation with the Xavier institute, which everyone else referred to as  
"That freaky boarding school."  
Yet the girl standing before her was most apparently among the goths and death heads running, and she was talking to her. Maybe she got the idea that Rogue wasn't exactly up to speed this morning, anyhow, she bent her vermillion head closer to speak in a low tone. " We got lots of good party favors. You in?" She held the girls gaze carefully, feeling a strange excitement, yet hesitation wash over her. She knew what this girl was talking about, she also knew what would be happening at this so called party. There would more than likely be absolutely no other mutants there, no one to back her up in case of trouble. Maybe that was how she preferred it. She didn't even know herself anymore.  
  
"Here's the address,"she crumpled a torn peice of paper into Rogue's hand, who accepted it. "Later,"was all she called out as her form exited down the hall and the bell heralded the beginning of a new period.  
Rogue made it just in time to slide into her seat beside Kurt. Her english teacher shot malevolent looks in her direction but sniffed and said nothing. Rogue was not usually late, so she let it slide. "Fitzgerald was reffering to none other than of God himself when he wrote of the eyes of T.J.Eckelburg looking down across all the happenings in the valley of ashes. Now this is mentioned just before Myrtle is introduced...." Rogue felt Kurt's hand poke her in the side of the ribs, she instinctively jumped but did not swat at him as she would have done to anyone else. In her peripheral vision she saw him watching her with his image induced eyes of soft brown. "What?" She mouthed at him, he indicated the peice of paper given to her earlier which was now in his hand. He had read it. Apparently it had fallen out of her pockey. She angrily snatched it from his fingers, glaring. Kurt paused, seeing her rage, but then pulled his notebook out, scribbled a note on it and passed it to her quickly.  
  
Please tell me you are not attending that  
She rolled her eyes, now pulling her own notebook toward her to copy the notes on the board. Kurt wrote something else and passed the notebook back to her.  
  
You could get hurt. Rogue now ignored the notebook, feeling the sting of guilt as her face turned red. She wasn't mean to Kurt on purpose ever, why was she acting this way?  
  
Please Marie.  
The sight of her name written on paper, in Kurt's crabbed handwriting touched her deeply, it softed her stony gaze and she closed her eyes to settle her thoughts. So much pressing down upon her..when would the weight ever lift? But the name also brought back the torrent of loneliness her surname always brought to surface. Goddamnit she was not Marie! She was Rogue. I am Rogue, she reminded herself. And in an instant, her anger returned to wrap around her as a fiery shield, even Kurt's expression of friendly caring and concern could not pull her from the stinging tidal wave now started.  
  
FUCK OFF  
  
- was all she wrote, but it was enough. Kurt bit his lower lip, letting his hands drop into his lap and pushing his long black-blue hair into his face to hide the expression there. She sat in stoic silence the remainder of the class as did Kurt. When the bell rang, he was gone so quickly, it was as though he had never been there.  
  
Rogue examined her reflection. The burn scar was fading fast, now only a ghostly red reminder laced her collarbone. She slipped her green net shirt over a black tank top and was pleased to note there was no obvious sign of the injury.  
She had not seen Kurt all night, he had stayed in his room even through dinner and the only sound emitted from inside was the sad dregs of music that Kurt preferred when in a dark mood. It was funny, how alike he and she were. Yet how different. Kurt had had his heart broken before, as had Rogue, and both had felt the sting of criticism and fear from strangers. But really it was they alone that understood the isolation the other one faced. Rogue was reminded of something Kurt had written once, and at the time she had thought he was teasing her. A poetic line that struck her now like lightning.  
  
Shadows black and blackness known  
She faced the darkness all alone.  
  
It had fit her so nicely. The rogue....who faced the darkness all alone. Rogue's expression darkened in the mirror, she shook off the niggling thoughts. Right now was not the time. Right now she was gonna go have fun. She strapped a spiked bracelet unto her wrist and briefly touched her fingers to her collarbone. Again, the sadness descended. She had not heard from Remy in almost a week. She thought....but no, it would never happen. Why the hell had she thought he would be different?! Her hands balled into fists at the thought of her stupidity. Her raged energy carried her out the door of her room and out of the mansion, all the way to the bus stop, where she waited alone.  
  
Kurt rubbed his hand through his hair and over his face. He was so scared and so confused... Rogue was like a sister to him, something he had never had in real life. She was going to get hurt tonight, he could not stand by and watch this happen. But he did not want her to get into trouble. This dilemma was the cause of the nasty snarl his thoughts had become, being this helpless scared him. He briefly recalled his days as the traveling circus act. Kurt had loved the free sensation as he soared above a crowd and defied gravity. It was his own private heaven. One day he had become entangled in some ropes high above the ground ring, he was too far for anyone to reach. That helplessness was his worst fear. Kurt would not let himself stand by and wait. He had to do something.  
He listened as Rogue exited her room, following her in the trees above as she left the mansion, just another shadow of the night. It was when she reached the bus stop that he had no idea what else to do. He was only one X- men.  
Lithely, he fell to his feet on the foliage below the tree he had been crouched in, watching Rogue as she boarded the bus and it drove away. The sound of twigs snapping underfoot caused him to suspect he was not quite alone, which he found was true. " Well...tis little boy blue..Remy trusts he won't blow no horn." Kurt smiled slightly, the new man was slightly familiar. He had actually seen Rogue with him in the past...maybe he was to be trusted... " Is Remy a good guy?" Remy stepped out into the light of the moon, smiling back at Kurt. "Sure hope so...otherwise the belle be in big trouble."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Thanks again to the reviewers...this is getting confusing for me to write, which could be a good or bad thing. This story is progressing to be quite serious and I am basing most of what I write about something that happened a few days ago, though in the beginning it started out as something else.  
Also, I forgot to add the nice little disclaimer : I DON'T OWN X-MEN.  
Kudos to those who like it, bah to those who don't. Thankyou Airthos for your inspiration.  
Ardelio Lives. 


	5. Expectations

The room was too clouded with smoke for Rogue to make out anyone's face clearly. The music was a loud bass that reverbated deep into her feet, and she felt that if she closed her eyes and leaned back against a wall she would feel her heart beating in time. She sniffed the air and smelled a sweet scent that was undeniably weed related. After a few moments of deep breathing, Rogue felt parts of her mental shielding slipping away, a dream- like quality replaced any sense of responsibilty and duty she had previously felt. Now all that she knew was a slippery feeling in her thoughts, nothing had cohesion or importance.  
  
Many people around the house were dancing, laughing and being wildly happy. Rogue looked around her, taking all of this in and felt herself standing on the edge of the precipice that was this party. She was not smiling, in this state of euphoria she felt only the shambles of her thoughts and emotions. Drugs never made her happy, like the way stimulants effected some people, they only brought her to a point of dissolution. Nothing mattered. She was carefree.  
She was distantly aware that she had moved through the house, into darker corners and places without so much lighting. The music had changed to a legatto, drowning tune that made her head spin slowly around. She tripped, but was not aware of it. Someone handed her a soda, her hands worked of their own accord to grasp the cup, but not firmly enough. The damn drink spilled down her front.  
The party had started out as bash to end all bashes, Risty certainly seemed proud of it. She ran....or walked...(Rogue felt everything was slowing down) to Rogue, slapping her on the back and laughing energetically. Rogue wondered where she got so much energy...how could she move so fast...the room was spinning. Rogue gripped her forehead, trying to stop the wild ride, it was not working...she would be driven into a wall. Someone grabbed her by the arms and threw her to the floor, this also happened in the slow frame so as she fell the room was not insync with itself at all....it kept doubling and re-doubling in her vision. This guy, who was he? Why did he keep grabbing at her shirt....my skin...no, not my shirt..  
  
"Stop, you don't know-" His words were coming out of his mouth so fast and Rogue could still see the drunken glory and bliss of euphoria in his eyes, he didn't know, she had to tell him. "Not immortal, don't-" But the words would not form correctly on her lips. Why was he so stupid - hadn't they ever told him? "Scars..too many...not...invited.."  
  
The soft, open expanse of flesh was Rogue's stomach, like the underbelly of a seagull- thought the boy who had grabbed her.  
Rogue's thoughts flashed in turn before her eyes, another boy looking at her so frantically...his mouth was an open gash of fear and confusion. She was imprinting him-  
  
Jared lay back against the wall, his chest heaving and sweat standing out on his face and forehead like diamonds in the darkness. Blue silhoette cast everything in the room into shadows, it threw his features into sharp relief. I flinched as he spasmed, then groaned and let his head fall to his knees with a dull thud. It was so cold in that room, the window was open, the night air poured inside and left both of them shivering. But Jared could not feel it, he was wearing no shirt and I knew he would get sick if it stayed open. My hands trembled before my face. This was not happening. I had never wanted to be so stupid. Had never wanted anything more than to be a normal kid. Normal kids experimented now and then, but I hadn't been expecting this.  
  
Jared's under more stress..... He was hurting so bad..... His parents were so harsh.....  
  
He had taken two heads of acid to escape, in a fit of glorious rebellion and raging torment. He and I both knew there was no escape from the thoughts in your head. No escaping the midnight dialogues that plagued us both, we knew there was no caustic end to this. Jared never cared that I was a freak of nature. All he had ever asked of me was "Don't talk about it." We did not talk about our problems. His father the alchoholic, my tribulations as a mutant- this was not a psyciatric relationship. Neither of us wanted to deal. So we didn't.  
  
He just couldn't take it. Jared had broken.  
  
And I was the only one here to weather it with him.  
  
"Jared." I said only his name, I didn't even think he heard me. It took several moments before his shaggy brown head lifted from his knees to look at me. When he did, the blood drained from my face. His breathing was chaotic, spittle formed the edges around his mouth and his teeth were incredibly white against the darkness of his face. A sound began in his throat, a high whining sound, he slumped on his side and began clawing the wall, the whining sound reminding me too much a caged animal gone rabid.  
I stood, keeping my back to the wall and close to the window. Something was wrong, Jared was.....wrong. He flung himself at me, his whining rapidly increasing in volume to become a deafening scream that spilt my head open. My ears felt like they were bleeding and I wanted to die. Anything to stop that horrible noise of something dying inside, of something without humanity. Jared snapped his teeth, biting at me, trying to get at my throat. "No! Please God!" He had grabbed my shoulder, the bare skin of my shoulder and I felt my breath catch in my throat. I tried so hard to pull away from him, my friend, who was too doped up to realize that I was hurting him, that he could die. That he was dying. That this glorious feeling that was filling my very being and stretching the world to lay bear at my feet was destroying every fiber that made him mortal. A human being. I watched myself through his eyes as I flailed my arms, trying to escape from him, to save my friend. His thoughts, dissoluted and meaningless filtered into my own thoughts and became one. I began screaming the words that he was thinking, that kept coming every single second. " Hurt me! Hurt me! HURT ME!!!" My thoughts penetrated his head and he began screaming what I was thinking. "I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!" Jared's hold on my shoulder loosened, he twitched several times before falling back to the carpet, chest heaving, the sweat still glistening in the azure light and his eyes bottomless pits of pain and torture that had finally come to surface this night, for me to weather and for him to explode. His trembling movements stilled, his heaving chest fell and I was left alone. No one would ever know that he had become a part of me. The only person to ever accept me as I truly was, he would always be a part of me-  
  
he would always be a part of her, unless he let go. "GET OFF!" The choice was taken out of Rogue's hands as Kurt came rocketing out of nowhere, his feet hitting the chest of the boy who had hold of her. Just like Jared had been, he did not feel the impact and stayed where he had fallen. But he was still breathing, unlike Jared.  
The music was still pounding away in the house, only half of the occupants actually realized what was going on, that some mutants had crashed. Rogue wasn't even hardly aware of what was going on, she wasn't brain dead, just dissenthesized to any emotions or outward happenings. Her mind was shutting down, too much was happening. This time she would not be able to weather. She was not strong enough- "Please, take her," her vision was still horrible, nothing was making sense. Was that Nightcrawler? No- Kurt, he was only Kurt.If he was only Kurt, he couldn't be taken away from her. "Remy know's a place, least 'til she get her senses." "Fine, I 'vhill make some excuses to 'ze others." With a nod, Remy bent beside Rogue and took her hand. "You are cold as ice, young belle." Rogue's unseeing eyes kept to the carpet.  
  
"Ice princess." Was all she muttered. He examined her, worried that maybe this all wasn't just the effects of drugs. Her attitude seemed to be playing a major part in the stupor she had settled into. "Rogue? Can you stand?" She did not look at him.  
"Call me Marie." He said nothing, only wrapped her arm around his neck and supported her around the waist.  
  
Rogue did not actually remember the walk back to the bus station, nor the ride downtown. All she was aware of was the resounding heartbeat in her ears and wrist, the only certain thing to her now. If she died, that would certain too, only her death and continued living torment was real. Reality.  
  
Nothing was absolute. Nobody was permanent. They all lied.  
  
"Belle, please lay down." He pushed her down into the couch, and she just barely felt his breath against her neck. Despite the state of uselessness she was in, Rogue felt she had to say something. "You didn't have to." He cocked his head to the side, not sure what to think.  
  
"Did not have to what?" She blinked, her eyes seemingly as dead as shark eyes.  
  
"Pretend that you cared." Remy could not think of what to say to this, his apartment did not offer any solutions, as he looked around it. There was too much relying on his words..what if he did not say the right thing?  
Sighing deeply, he decided to wait on it. Remy pulled the quilt from the back of the couch, wrapping it around Rogue's head and shoulders, then laid back against the cushions, pulling Rogue to rest against his chest.  
  
She did not expect to hear a heartbeat in the morning, did not wait to hear the resounding end of the fandango. Nobody could stay. She knew the Rogue was just destined to be alone.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ok, not done yet. Things will soon be resolved in the world, I hope. Just be patient. For right now, thanks for all the reviews, Ishandahalf, you scare me.  
Awesome! Non ti scordor di me 


	6. Final

Only the voices remained. There was nothing else left in Rogue. No essence within the husk of mortal life. She was a broken toy. That was that.  
  
"Belle....please look at Remy, open your eyes.." Remy willed the girl laying on his couch to show signs of life. Her breathing was so slow, so catalyptic that he wondered if she had gone into some sort of permanent hibernation. A coma. He shrugged these thoughts away, concentrating on getting her to wake up. At his urging, she finally opened her eyes. He began to smile, not the usual rakish smirk that befell his lips when encountering a female, but a true smile. The action died just as soon as it began, for he saw her eyes. They were the normal deep forest green they had always been, but they were blank. Lifeless. There may have been breath in her lungs and a heartbeat in her chest, but there was no one upstairs. No one was stirring behind the windows of her soul. This house had been abandoned.  
  
Remy felt the cold seep across his shoulders and chest. A guilt, an anger, and the icy unsureness of fear. God help her.  
  
"What is this?" It was incredibly white all around. A color that seemed too pure for snow or unicorns, all the things that Marie had believed in long ago. This place had no matter, no substance to it. There was only the ivory threshold of no sky or ground or walls. It scared her, this place that was a dream. The fear tugged at her stomach, knotted in her brain. Did she even have a body?  
  
Yes. She looked at her hand, pale as always, but paler in the luminous white, like standing in moonlight. She felt her hair, her face, she was wearing nothing. Marie was not cold. She did not really feel anything, only knew that everything was there. "Am I going by Marie again?" It was strange to her, her thoughts were being spoken aloud. But..it didn't feel to her that she was talking. What the hell was this? One part of her felt like curling into a small corner, shutting her eyes and waiting for the nightmare to end. Another part of her wanted to thrash out into the white nothingness and scream and rip away, to fight the invisible force that kept her here.  
  
"What's stopping you?" Marie felt, rather than saw the person standing to her right. It was incredulous to believe, but in this place seemed absolutely normal to see her own body there. An exact copy of Rogue.  
  
"What happened to Marie?" Again, her thoughts were being projected loudly, the pseudo-Rogue smirked and jerked her head to the left.  
  
"She's still there." Marie was standing to her left, arms wrapped protectively around her bare stomach and looking at the floor. Her face seemed taut with some kind of emotion, whether it was fear or sadness, she could not tell. "So what's stopping you from ripping away?" Rogue clicked her tongue impatiently, raising her eyebrows expectantly for her answer.  
  
"Um, I don't think I can." Rogue rolled her eyes.  
  
"You mean she can't," she jabbed her thumb at the other girl. "I could rip, "she went on, "if I wanted to. " Marie watched as pseudo-Rogue clicked her tongue again and flipped her long dark hair back. Her eyes went back to the still silent female who also resembled her, another Rogue. Or was it Marie?  
  
"Who are you?" She directed her question to the first Rogue, who answered plaintively.  
  
"Rogue, of course. " Once again, she jabbed her thumb in then other girl's direction. "She's Marie."  
  
"But then, who am I?"  
  
"You are me."  
  
"I am you?"  
  
"And her, too." Pseudo-Rogue rolled her eyes again at mentioned of the other, she didn't seem to like the shy one very much.  
  
"So I am both you."  
  
"As we are both of you."  
  
"I don't understand. " Pseudo-Rogue stepped closer, speaking rapidly, her hands fidgeting at her sides.  
  
"When does anybody understand anything? It's stupid anyhow, this setup. Wasn't supposed to be this screwed up. " This Rogue looked down at herself, as though resenting everything about herself also.  
  
"I'm screwed up." Was the only way she thought to reply. Pseudo-Rogue blanched visibly, her eyes widened.  
  
"You're not supposed to say that!"  
  
"And why not? It's true isn't it?" As she spoke, the pseudo-Rogue seemed to be getting more vivid, her cheeks were gaining color and her eyes were becoming a more distinct green. But when she looked back at the other girl, whom still had not spoken, she noticed she seemed paler by comparison. She was like a wil-o-the-wisp. "It's just like I've always known, God made a toy....but it got broken. He doesn't want a toy that's broken."  
  
"Who the hell are you to decide you're broken!?" Rogue was now glaring at her, full in the face and looking a great deal more real than moments before. The other girl, Marie was becoming more and more like a cartoon on paper.  
  
"Stop! You'll disappear!" She moved as though to touch Marie, to help her, but the fragile girl only shifted away, weak and almost transparent.  
  
"Don't you want it? You're doing it, you know." Rogue touched her on the shoulder, and she felt her hand was very warm. In contrast, she felt herself was very cold.  
  
"I am not! Why would I do that?"  
  
"Because it's all you know. It's all we know. Everytime something doesn't work, we move on to the next thing. In this case, she is not working very well as a shield so she's disappearing. You're dissolving her. "  
  
"I'm not using her as a shield."  
  
"Oh, haven't you? You use me all too often. "  
  
"I-...what?" Rogue did not answer or repeat her question, she only looked very carefully at her. They both knew what she meant, only one knew why. "Why is this happening?"  
  
"You live in a world that is shattered by pain, so you rebuild from the inside peice by peice and try to protect yourself by pulling away from anyone and everyone. But then something bad happens-  
  
Jared's face flashed in her eyes-  
  
- and everything collapses from the outside in. Come on idiot! Think!" Rogue slapped her across the face, and she did not feel the sting of her hand, only the thoughts that were supposed to come with it.  
  
"What's wrong with my world? I'm safe here, if I've got both of you as my protection, why do I need anyone else?" Rogue raised her hand to the air, two fingers sliding across space.  
  
"Man was not meant to be alone. You can't survive by yourself, inside yourself. Therefore, we can't survive either. More and more you have used me, Rogue, as your cover shield and I've grown stronger with each blow I block. " Rogue walked to where Marie was now crouched on her knees, shivering with no cold. She touched Marie on the shoulder. "She has remained dormant for so long that you have begun to phase her out. "  
  
"But, who is she?!" She pointed at the crouching girl, her hand shaking slightly. "That's not me! And you aren't either! I know who I am. "  
  
"Do you?" Cold silence only greeted these last words. "You use us in turn to deflect everyone else. If you are not me and you are not her, then what exactly are you?"  
  
"I'm human."  
  
"Human's can withstand the cold pain of life. You,"Rogue turned her hand, palm side up to me, "cannot."  
  
"I am all that I need to be!"  
  
"You are not. Humans need to be loving, and be loved in return. You have not loved another being in so long...you have come to believe that you are unloveable. What is a human being without love?"  
  
A flash of Jared, alone and dead  
  
"What is happiness without pain?" She said tonelessly.  
  
"Exactly. Rogue and Marie are the same, you cannot be one without the other. You cannot seperate us without killing all of us. "  
  
"All?"  
  
"You too, you are the very core of what is the human being. Not just a fleshy body. There is a soul that must be nurtured. You have to stop hurting yourself. "  
  
"I'm not hurting myself."  
  
"You cut yourself off."  
  
"I was protecting myself."  
  
"You were killing yourself."  
  
A flash of the orange pill bottle  
  
"I was only taking them to sleep."  
  
"You are killing all of us."  
  
"I did nothing."  
  
"And nothing you became. You understand why you are here?" She looked away from Rogue and back at Marie, who was still transparent as a ghost. Her breath was only a whisper in space. Who can hear a whisper in space?  
  
"Yes. " All of them were connected then, a thread that golden and silver wound through their featureless selves. God, to never be disconnected! Never be dissolved! To be whole and not broken! "I am not broken!" Her voice reverbated and bounced back like an echo, but not so. It held her like a vowed promise, it straightened her back and lifted her eyes. She fell to her knees not in weakness, but in the strength of knowing she was strong. This was what it was to be strong! To know you are worth thought and emotion, to think of yourself as a being of worthy cause and future. No more shattered reality and nightmarish pain! No more wilting down as dying flower to be trampled on by the world and it's hate. She could be the world, she could be anything.  
  
"You must not remain solitary."  
  
"You never were." Marie had finally spoken, she was no longer transparent and wistful, she was standing vibrant and strong. She was a light beaming across the space and time, just as Rogue was, just as the soul was that had been mended.  
All three took hands, finally reunited and bonded together. One.  
  
"One."  
  
~ Remy felt the electricity as her eyes cleared, he felt it flow through his face in a flush of heat and cold like he had never known in his life. Rogue recognized him slowly, then gave him a hesitant smile. "Hi." She whispered.  
  
"Hi." He said back. Nothing was mentioned for a while, they simply remained where they were. Rogue was still lying down on the couch with the quilt wrapped around her, and Remy was still sitting on the floor beside her.  
  
"How are you?" He finally said. She opened her mouth to speak, to say something, but the words would not come. She smiled again, instead and he accepted this. "That good, huh?"  
  
"Not really, but..."she hesitated, taking a deep breath, " it's getting better by the minute."  
  
"Do you want to talk about.." Rogue shook her head. "I didn't think so. Later then?" She watched his face, noticed the way the morning light fell across his red eyes and lit them like a furnace. Another human being, another soul just waiting to be touched and to touch her. She wanted to reach up and feel his face and to know that he was real, after the dream she could not get enough of reality. She answered his question.  
  
"Let me tell you everything."  
  
~ Dedicated to Allen Clayton  
  
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Hope you guys liked it! I'm happy that everyone has reviewed up til now, give me all your reports if you will please, even if you think it sucked. I'd like to hear about it.  
In the beginning, I started to do another action and romance sort of thing. But I realized something over the past few weeks, before you can handle some major things in your life, you need to find out what's going on inside of you. Examine yourself, you may be suprised at what you find.  
  
-Ash 


End file.
